kmart12

A lot has changed since I last updated 81 weeks ago.
Ive had a few girls break my heart here and there. And a few that just didnt work out.
No big whoop.
But then I had Kaitlin. The most amazing girl in the world.
The one for me, she was mine.
Now she's gone.
I love her.
I miss her.
I would do anything for her.
I wanted to give her the world.
She wasnt ready.
One day, I hope she comes back.
I have never needed anybody.
But, I neeeeed her!
I do.
More than the air I breathe and my heart to beat.
I felt like a million bucks, and had the time of my life.
Now Im lonely.
So lonely for her.

I miss her smile, her face. Her heart, her kisses. Her touch. Her skin, on my skin. The way it felt when I held her hips. And the faces she makes when she's trying to be cute. Her smell. The way she gave me butterflies and sent shivers down my spine everyday. How when I looked in her eyes, my heart stopped beating. Every. Single. Time. I was in love. I know what love is now. I must have always been mistaken. Come home.


Softball is over.
Im retired.
Got a good hitting streak going.
Finished up as one of the top 50 defensive players in the country.

My relationship with my family is strained.
98% of my friends are gone.
The ones I expected to be gone are here, and
the one that I expected to be here, left.

Im moving to Traverse City for a few months.
Til Bear moves to Flint.
Then Im going to come home to help her 'adjust'

Ashley took her lip ring out.
Im pissed haha.
But I still have mine.

Forgot to mention the opening bands for TSC besides Meg&Dia sucked ass.
Cant wait for Lydia's newwww CD.
And tour.
This week was super hectic.
Dad had a heart attack and almost died a few times.
I was a cryin bitch and had to sign all of his papers.
We had weight training this week.
It was fun.
Im giving myself a month to be super ungodly buff at the rate Im going.

Coach said that the starting 1b position is mine to lose.
Sooooo.....
Im set, for now.
Thats exciting.

Chris and Heidi came down from the U.P. and are staying at dads until Kim comes which is Sunday night.
Family reunion hell yeah.

So Chicago has been narrowed down to early December.
Im soooo stoked.

I am having the time of my life right now.
I wish I could explain better but I really dont have to.
Marti,Siv, MJ, KPatt, Ashley and Gonzo you guys are the fucking shit,
and I love you to pieces.

Finally, finally, finally paid my parking ticket.
Relieved. Its over.

Im too excited that my first tat is healing fine.
It feels amazing.
Capac, who knew that town could throw down?

Mott softball vs. SVSU this weekend.
Stoked as life.

My doggy is too sick and I miss being near her.
The only regret Ive ever had in my life is that recently I just ignored her...
Thats all, it weighs on me too much.

Me and Jessica, Jessica and I, are going to Chi-town in late fall.
Stoked? Stoked!
ForShitYeah.






Some people should just get over themselves and stop telling themselves lies to make them feel better.

I love my baby.
Forreals.

Basically Kate, Kpatt and Nikki together are amazing.
Weve done so much fun stuff and almost died.
But we almost died together.
Clio is too fun.
I love these kids too much.

Summer is OK.
I really never update.
I wish I did.
There arent many people in this world I can trust.
I wish that wasnt the case.
I would love to have more people closer to me, or get along with my family.
I feel like the farther away someone is from me physically,
the closer they are emotionally.
I guess that means I have a hard time being close to people that are actually close to me.
Whatever.
Who/whatever I have is or wont be around here much longer.
I have a list of things I want to do this summer and time is going wayy too fast.
People I will never get another chance to hang with may be gone before we hang or people I get to talk to may be gone before I get to talk.
Being gone and never coming back are different.

Just because people move away doesnt mean I will never see them again, even though in my mind when people move away I know I will probably never see them again, or things will never be the same.

Im glad to be out of high school.
Graduation was the shiz.
Never been more happy in my whole life, not even that time I ALMOST met Cammi Granato in Minnesota.
The best part is knowing I never again have to be involved in high school anything.
I have a brand new attitude about life and its great. Really.

I made Mott for the fall ball season thingermajig.
I already knew that though, so really have no clue why Im writing and telling myself something I already know since barely anyone reads since I never update.
What a vicious cycle.
Anywho, I worked the Buick Open for the Mott girls.
Never thought getting along with and making new friends in college would be so easy.
Made friends, even with Andrea Sivil from [gasp] Flushing.
It feels wierd putting it in the past, but she can be an exception, I guess.
Shes really, really, really, really tight.
I cant put the Districts in the past or like Flushing but if she were Karen Fox this wouldnt happen for one reason....Karen Fox.
Yeah.....

My Open house was super fun too.
Kim came and told us all about her door locking skills or lack-there-of,
and how well she knows her Michigan geography.
Srda came too. And brought Jeanine.
[Dont know who she is, but she is/was cool]
And broke news that I dont know how to react to.

Its July and summer is flying by.
Not sure if I like that or not.
Everytime I go to Mott something complicated comes up.
I have a sucky major I have to change and classes I dont want to take with professors who dont have great reps.
At least they sell good tacos.

I get to go to Minnesota in 11 days with Kim, Trey, and Alexis.
It will be one of the funnest trips of my life.
I already know.
Possibly the funnest.
No parents, and Im visiting one of my fave people in the world with another one of my favorite people in the world.
And going to the Mall of America.
I think everyone knows my mall fetish.
Or at least I do, and yeahhh refer to paragraph three(3) if you want details.
So when I get back from that week of insanity, I will then visit this site to write about it.
Mostly to remember.
Like Ill ever forget though really.

Im buying a digital camera with my open house money.
A good one.
To take lots of sweet pics Ive missed out on in the earlier days.
I promised some tight people we would go to Cedar Point this summer and I am still hoping it happens.
I hate when people break my plans and dont want to disappoint theirs.
I am still trying with all of my might everyday to find a way.
I will find a way or make one.
HAHA.

I still dont think it has hit me I get to see Steve sooooooon.
Im starting to remember all of our little jokes from when we try to act gangster.
'True dat'.
And 'word'.
And 'bangin'' are what I got so far.

I really want/need a haircut and new shoes.
I wish I knew how to describe to the person what hair I want.
And will actually get these before I go to Minnesota.

So 'tis all for now.
I get to write about my trip later.
Hopefully I can get online while Im there.
Pictures will be worth 1,000 words though.
So maybe I will just upload a bunch of pictures.
As much as needed to tell my story without much typing.
But probably not.
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So pick out what you like.
Call me when youre on the way,
you can spend the night.
And hope to sleep all day.
For me, its just another week.
28 was once how I dreamed.
With your scent on my face I can leave and have you for days.
I still cant see you.
Summer came, we got lost, all of us.
You are nothing without her,
I still wont remember your face,
features mix too well with this alcohol.
So we cover ourselves in your fear.
Stay to watch that moon disappear under these lights.
This city, this city's screaming at me.
And as you breathe the words 'Ive gotta go'.
The sun is up, and taking back all
the shadows that cover this ground,
and our feet like a blanket of coal.

Thats me, getting carried away.
Shit happens.

Man, school is done.
The last day of school was bittersweet and tight as hell.
Softball is almost over.
So therefore my life is almost over.
Im hanging on by threads.
This week is a busy week, we have practice and a game and the stupid Honors thing I have to go to and graduation. Cant wait just so I will never have to do anything C/A related again.

My Open House is going to be a blast.

Softball is good.
Its going great actually.
I am enjoying my senior year Im glad its almost over.
12 More Days!!!!!!!

I like making this senior scrapbook.
I like the new friends Im making.
I like the fact my old friends are creeping back into the picture.
I need a haircut but Im just gong to wait until summer.

Mott tryouts are in a month and Carrie Mattern just pretty much hooked me up.
Today at the Birch Run Tourney-
Me-'yeah I really wanna play but I dont know about tryouts....
Carrie- Oh, honey...
Me- [under my breath] uhhhh mannn. [put my head down]
Carrie- you would easily make it...man, with your bat...
Me-[jerk my head up]REALLY???!?
Carrie- yeah, etc. etc. etc.

Fuck it.

Went to the Lydia/Spill Canvas show in Grand Rapids.
It rocked like big time.
Before, we got lost in the Mexican ghetto.
Hallelujah Hollaback.
The Intersection was the coolest place Ive ever bene to.
I pissed this chick that worked there off big time.
But I dont care.
We already did it.
The first band DreamAying tried too hard, but have potential.
The Reason came from Canada and were so impressive for an opening band.
They were the shit,
and had sweet Nikes.
Lydia played short a singer and still kicked most bands' asses.
Leighton was sick but he's a trooper.
I loved it.
They deserve to be wayyy bigger than they are.
Someday.
We were in the front row.
The Spill Canvas is the best band Ive ever seen live.
I sang every word to every Lydia and Spill Canvas song.
There was a random Shakira belly dancer behind me practically raping my ass.
She left 10 minutes later.
That wasnt too comfy.
We got videotaped by the Lydia manager.
Saw Maggie after the show, she's a cool kid.
Bought a Lydia shirt from the band.
Met Leighton, Evan and yeah theyre the coolest guys around.
I was so out of it.
I kinda couldve stood there forever.
We got lots of pics.
I want them, I cant wait to get them.
I was soo sick and exhausted for a long time.
I thought I was gonna pass out but didnt.
My voice is still not all the way back.
But thats a great feeling.

I cant wait 3 more days until LYDIA and THE SPILL CANVAS.
Mom and Fred are in Cheboygan and we're home alone.
We get to drive up to Jumbo Video and rent movies.
Sam and I are going to make blanket tents in the living room to watch our movies in.
I have to be responsible and its fun so far.
I hate school.
Im glad its almost out.
Softball is soon.
That makes me happy and sad.
Im going to do good this season.
I better be a captain.
I know Im not in the best shape I could be in.
Im mad our games are on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
as of right now.
It needs to change.
Or tears will well up in my eyes.

Lydia and the Spill Canvas.
Im excited.

GOD MOTHER FUCKING DAMN IT I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE FRUSTRATED

Im amazing.

Ive been reading a lot of my old entries, especially the sincere ones. A lot of things I never thought could happen to me have, and its funny to look back at things I just typed a few months ago and see how much Ive matured and slipped as a person at the same time. Im so different but Im still the same old me. My life has been changed, I am overall more happier as a person than ever before. I think I can do this.

Im ready to go.
Im relieved.
I get to check off number one.
I went with a tighter than I though class to Chinese.
I love GH2 with a passion.
Im addicted and amazing at it.

Places Im going before Im 26-

traverse city many times.
chicago
new york
boston, providence
texas [just not to go from a benchwarmer at mott to trying out for the u. of texas]
Cincinnati
VANCOUVER
California

R.I.P. Aunt Dorothy D., you are a mother f'in trooper, and I only met you once but you were the tightest old lady I ever knew.
And nobody else can make millions of sandwiches and and shove them down my throat the way you can.

I get excited too much sometimes but I can't help but think that one day my life will be better than it is now. Someday very soon.
Someday soon as in June 1st, 2007.
I shall turn a new leaf, and kick ass in the process.
I am going to go get some motivation very soon, from someone who randomly loves giving me advice and telling stories.
May 31st, I graduate for good from this place that leaves the fucking worst feeling in the world.
I can't describe how this year has been, amazing for many reasons but I am almost always depressed this school year.
Nothing can seem to go right.
I can't wait to move out of this house, and be on my own.

Im honestly not sure about softball this year, I get random spurts of motivation.
I know I have to be the leader, well one of them.
I also know that playing time isn't going to come easy, and I have to keep my spirits up, cause once I get down, that's it for me.
I am excited because it's my last year.
I feel liek this could be my year on some days, and other days I am not sure exactly why, but I get the feeling Im just going to be cut completely and not play at all.
I don't want to have the pressure of doing good to continue on in softball, but I want to do good.
I want to win games and I want my teammates to want to win also.
We can do it, if we put any effort at all into it.
I want to leave this program on a positive note.
I want to play my last game at Kearsley losing in the Districts [after all I still try to think realistic], and roll down the hill with my best friends.
Then watch the championship game with my friend and see who takes it.
I want to take pics with some of my teammates and get along with all of them.
And have them call my name and number one more time, and look at coach and get my signs.
I want to go down fighting in the last inning and even if we're losing, keep the game alive with ONE MORE HIT when Im up to bat.
Then line up and shake their hands, and listen to the umpire say what he has to.
To sit in left field as Balbo lies to us telling us " I love this team".
I want to leave somethintg behind for the future, maybe they will have better experiences than I have had.
I want to tear up at our banquet because Im actually sad my whole childhood has come to an end at our banquet, since it will be the final thing of my high school career.
I really want to miss them.
Everybody.

Then I want to get up the next morning and go to work.
Then come home and play games, and be as immature as I want to be.
And do somethign different every single day of this summer.
Be an adult at work, only because I have to pay my rent, and car stuff.






Im excited for the Holidays, not only because I get to go to malls an insane amount of times, but I get to see my family.
And slow things down a little bit.
Remember what I am, and get to think to myself as much as I want without some teacher walking by "Katie are you getting this?"

No, actually Im not getting this. Im not getting it at all. I just don't understand why in every human there is more struggle and sacrifice than happiness and joy. I don't understand why everytime I take a step forward, I fall back faster than the last time. I don't understand why I treat people so harshly and laugh in the face of others' pain.

I just don't know.

Basically I cant say im happy with the person that Ive turned out or am turning out to be. I cant really say Im content but I cant really say Im disappointed either. Im starting to just realize that everytihng that should've happened in my life probably did, and the things I wanted to happen that would've made me happy didn't but they probably shouldn't have. If everything I wanted ever came true who would I be now? I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be scrappy, hard-working, and a tad edgy like I am now. All I cant think about is what if?

What if I did still play hockey, I would be good, I know that for a fact, I wouldn't be fat and lazy. I know that also. But I don't know that I could've suffered a permanent injury and been paralyzed. I don't know for certain that I would still be here and even stuck with hockey. I cant spend time wondering because I just dont know maybe its a good thign I dont play anymore. I don't know whether I would've gone big time since its fairly easy, or if I would've sizzled under the pressure. Its just a sport to me.

What if my parents were still together? Life would be perfect right? Wrong. It would be the same as when they were together. Nobody would've grown. My dad would still be the same, my mom would still get her ass kicked the one night my dad decided to come home and be drunk and throw his kids against walls and sleep on the front lawn. The cops have other places to be than besides my house that one night a week. Now my dad is better, hes a changed man now that he realized his kids want nothing to do with him. hes better. hes a real man.

I could ask these questions for days at a time and it not really get me anywhere. I know who I am and how I feel. I know who I liek and who i dont like.
As much as I hate 'Carmen' , what if I never would have came here?
I would be somewhere who knows where. I never wouldve gotten the chance to grow. I came ino my own at that school, and for that I am [almost] greatful.

So what if that drunk driver didn't hit us? I probably to this day would never wear my seatbelt and take life for granted.

My mom's health, my hopes and my dreams. It all starts now. What if my mom never wouldve gotten sick? I probably would still fight with her everyday and ignore her, and be pissed at her, and never even give her the light of day since that's what I thought she was doing to me.

In life I guess you realize things aren't perfect but there's always a way to get over it. If I let everything that's every happened to me get to me, I would've honestly been gone a long time ago.
The accusations, loss, depression, fighting, yelling, screaming, they all still haunt me. I can't say Ive lived a perfect life. But I also cant say I have had a worse life than you. You really don't ever know people. There's not a single person that completely knows me. I think Im just to the point where writing shit like this helps get things off my chest even though if you notice I still dont explain everything too thoroughly. Thats just not how I roll.

I think Ive been let down enough times to know when its coming. But I feel Ill never learn and always fall for it. There really is a nice and genuine person deep down inside me who cares for people and wishes them the best, I just haven't completely found that person yet. One day maybe ill be able to completely open up to you, and completely trust you. but I just don't see it happening too soon and its not you its me. Isnt that the most cliche line?

I miss people, I wish I was closer to some poeple. I wish that I knew some people better, and I wish that I had never met some people.

I came home the other day and our whole living room was packed with Halloween stuff. My mom was hanging stuff up and such. I helped her a little bit, and picked up some random felt ghosts with our names on them. We made them and drew on them with pens. Go figure, mine had a Red Wings jersey on. I laughed. We laughed. It was nice. It reminded me of when I was little, this time of year was soo exciting. From Halloween to New Years, it was so great. My mom gets all into it, she's the most giving person I have ever known. This time used to be so innocent, and childish and fun and beautiful. I came home from school, and I would be so excited to help my mom but now I come home from another boring stupid day that I probably hated at Carman-Ainsworth to sit on the couch and get irritated and help her. Then I realize that those days still havea chance at popping up. These holidays can still be fun, and I can still enjoy them. People hurry up to grow up and teenagers do their thign, then they realize one day that you miss it. You want to be happy and smile and play out in the leaves, and build snowmen and make cheesy Christmas gifts for your mom and she still loves them. I am coming along quite nicely. My goal of being a better person can happen. i want to broaden my horizens, and be more help. Appreciate more things. Enjoy mytself even though this random bi-polarness is setting in.
But this is a happy blog so I wont mention the fact that i dont care who you are, if I don't liek you, you will know. If you mess with me, I will probably tell you off because I quit caring and dont care about hurting your feelings unless you're my friend and the feeling's mutual.